Fear

My little "tough boy" hard at work.

“Oh no! Look. The little girl is sad.” I pointed to the little girl on the Smartboard.

“The little girl cannot find her Mom ….Where is Mom? Where is Mom?” I continued teaching, making actions for every word.

“What does the girl need? Does she need a fire engine?”

“No!” My students empathetically replied.

“Does she need a taxi?”
"No!"

“What does the girl need?” I asked.

“A police car!” My students shouted.

As I touched the Smartboard for the next slide of our story, I smiled. For all the times when my students are more interested on the shard of crayon wrapper on the floor than learning English, there are moments where they just seem to hang onto every my word. And I just love it. I soaked in their enthusiasm with teacherly pride as I watched their eager eyes follow the story on the Smartboard. They were all hooked…..all except for one. He was holding his hand in his mouth and tears were welling in his eyes.

I quickly paused the story.

“Dylan, are you okay?”

He shook his head.

“Bu hao kan….Wo bu xiang….” He mumbled.

What is going on? I thought to myself and quickly began to do a mental assessment of Dylan. Is he hurt? Is he sick? No blood was visible. His pants were dry….I was especially confused because Dylan – although tender-hearted – is much more of a “tough boy” than a cry baby.

He kept repeating the same Chinese phrases over and over. “Wo bu kan. Wo bu xiang….Wo pa.” I began to piece it all together….

“Are you scared, Dylan?” He nodded and the tears began to fall.

“It’s okay, Dylan.” I did my best to comfort him, but it was to no avail. It was as if our harmless curriculum story had triggered a memory and propelled his mind into anxiety-mode. Finally, I decided to escort him to our nearby office to let him sit there and settle down for a few moments while I finished teaching the story.

The next day was not much better. Before I led the students to the Smartboard, Dylan began crying and once again repeating the same Chinese phrases…. “Wo bu xiang… Bu hao kan….” He began telling me he was sick. He needed to go to the bathroom…. Anything that would get him out of the classroom. (He’s a pretty clever one).

As much as I tried to reason and assure him both in English and my limited Chinese…he was still extremely freaked out.

What’s the root problem behind this? Why is he so scared? And after class that day, I determined to find out.

I spoke with his homeroom teacher who later informed me that Dylan was afraid of policeman because he has been told by his parents that if he is bad, they will call the policeman to come and take him away. (seriously?!?)

Okay, L*rd….how am I going to deal with this new challenge? I inwardly groaned/prayed when I heard this.

By day three of this last week, Dylan wouldn’t even come into my classroom. He was so scared. Finally, his homeroom teacher got him to come in. But, for the first three minutes of class, he wouldn’t sit down. He would only cry and pace the floor and tell me the same Chinese phrases. Finally, I had to physically sit him down…..and try my best to distract both him and his classmates as I carried on class as normal.

Tomorrow, he will be better. His homeroom teacher assured me. But I was not so sure.

And as Dylan’s fears seemed to intensify with each passing day, so did mine. As providence would have it, at the end of this same week, I had Open Class for parents. (Parents had the opportunity to come and observe me teach one class this past week). I was already pretty nervous myself to have to conduct a “normal” class with approximately 40 parents trying to squeeze in the back of my classroom…without having to try to console a fear-stricken child.

I tried my best to portray policeman as nice, good people in the next few classes, but this fear was deep-set within him. His fear clouded his mind. He seemed incapable of reason.

Ugh, I groaned as Dylan began to work himself up during another class period. Why can’t he see how ridiculous this fear is?

But as I prayed and prepared for my Open Classes (and specifically for Dylan), Dylan’s fearful heart was not the only one I observed displayed…..I saw a glimpse of my own as well. What if I fail as a teacher during class? What if the students will not listen? What if a student throws up? What if the parents hate me? What if, what if, what if…. Fearful thoughts such as these assailed me. In retrospect, they appear ridiculous, but at the time, they were very real…..and very unreasonable. Just like that of my precious little “tough-boy” Dylan.

After an eventful week, Friday finally arrived. It was my final day of Open Classes….and Dylan’s class’ turn.

And despite my considerations to change my lesson plan for Dylan’s Open class, I decided to continue with my lesson as planned….and prayed fervently that he would not be scared by the SmartBoard story at the end.

Towards the end of the lesson, I shared the SmartBoard story – keeping a close eye on Dylan the entire time. But something amazing happened.

Dylan was not scared.

At all.

In fact, he participated and appeared to enjoy the story a little.

What?! Why the sudden change?

But then, I noticed something. Dylan was not sitting on the floor like all of the other kids. He was standing next to his dad.

And when his dad was near, Dylan’s had no fear.

In that moment, the Father just spoke to my heart.

When you recognize my presence, your fear will vanish, too.

My Heavenly Father brought a passage to my mind. “…The L*rd is a hand; do not be anxious about anything…”

The L*rd is at hand.

The phrase kept echoing in my heart the same way Dylan’s fearful statements had echoed in my ears only a few days earlier.

And I began to make the connection: When Dylan was with his dad, his fear vanished. When I recognize the presence of my Heavenly Father, my fear will vanish, too. When I I know that the L*rd is very near (so close He is at hand!), I will be empowered to not be anxious.

And yet, I am so prone to forget this….so apt to forget His promise to never leave or forsake. And when I forget, my fear resurfaces with surprising strength.

Just like Dylan’s.

I wish I could say that after Dylan’s Open Class, his “police car fears” were forever assuaged, but that has not proven to be the case. In fact, Dylan would not even enter my classroom today. He was finally escorted in after his homeroom teacher promised him – with a wink in my direction – that we would do the ABCs together…..(I guess those aren’t too traumatic, haha.)

So I’m discovering that apparently, when his dad is absent….Dylan’s fears are not.

And slowly but surely, I’m understanding the same is true in my life as well.

“The L*rd is at hand; Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by pr*yer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to G*d. And the peace of G*d, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Chr*st J*s*s.”  - Phil4:5b-7