departure, heart spill, and things like that…

In less than one week, I will be in China.

And in my flesh, I don’t want to go.

I know that sounds terrible. It pains my heart to write it. And I know its not true (especially since I spent the first three weeks of my summer pining away for China – just ask my poor family)…..but its my heart at the moment….as selfish and bewildered as it may seem.

As the day of my departure approaches, I’m afraid I’ve had a little too much time to self-evaluate. When I left in February, I received my visa, switched my plane ticket, and departed all in less than 24 hours. It was a rather hasty and unexpected departure.

But this time, my departure date has been an ominous writing on the wall from the day I booked my ticket back. Before I even stepped foot onto American soil this summer, the countdown had begun. I knew my time at home this summer would go quickly. And it has. Nevertheless, it has been good to prepare. I’ve had time to plan and purchase items for school and home. But it has also given me time to think. Too much, I’m afraid. This time to re-evaluate my life in China has led me to begin to question if it all is really worth it.

And – fleshly speaking – its not.

Living life thousands of miles away in China is simply not worth it. Its not worth missing the birth of my first nephew. Its not worth working another year in a position that I don’t feel particularly gifted for. Its not worth sacrificing my health with the ghastly pollution. Its not worth being so far away from family and the comforts and ease of living at home. Its not worth missing the holidays with my family. Its not worth feeling disconnected from the wonderful “heart friends” He has entrusted to me.

The cultural experience, the funny stories, the little adventures that come with living in another country….all of these I love….but when weighed in the balance with all of the more difficult experiences and sacrifices, they just don’t measure up.

They’re simply not worth it. 

But then, I remember.

I remember the One who stepped out of the throne room of heaven to rescue me. I remember His perfect life, His betrayal, His agonizing death, His burial….and His victorious resurrection. I remember His blood-bought purchase of my life.

I remember Jesus.

And I remember that He is worth it.

He is worthy.

As much as my flesh screams, pleads, and persuades me to stay where its easy and comfortable, I cannot. His love compels me.

It compels me to glorify Him through teaching little ones English. It compels me to share His love with Taozi, Vicky, Sophia, and all my coworkers. It compels me to return to China.

True, it may not always be fun. It may not be comfortable.

 But He did not stay where it was easy and comfortable.

And for right now, for this next year, He has called me to do the same. His work for me is not yet complete in China. I must go. I will go. Not necessarily because I want to (fleshly speaking), but because He is worthy.

He is absolutely worthy.

"And they sang a new song, saying, 'Worthy are you to take the scroll and to open its seals, for you were slain, and by your blood you ransomed people for God from every tribe and language and people and nation....Worthy is the Lamb who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing!'"  - Revelation 5:9,12

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Thanks so much for your prayers for both my family and me. I know this goodbye is going to be quite a bit harder this time (for both of us….the tears have already begun :(... ). Please pray for extra grace. And a renewed vision and zeal. Ask him to help me keep my eyes steadfast upon Him – the One who is worthy. Thank you.

Ps. Here are some things I’m asking Him for this next semester. Would love if you would join me in it….

-       an open heart

-       a renewed zeal

-       a singular focus – glorify God in China….glorify Him through teaching, encouraging friends, sharing with others, loving my kiddos, etc.

-       more acquisition of the language

-       a Biblical church and fellowship

-       favor with parents, students, faculty and staff, administration, etc.

-       more opportunities to share/doors of utterance 

-    salvation of many – Taozi, Vicky, Sophia, Ling, Liu Jar, Malika, etc.