full circle

Things have really come full circle.

As I write this post right now, I’m at (one of) my favorite coffee shops near my home. I’m enjoying their drip coffee, one of their signature cookies, and attempting – rather unsuccessfully – to study Chinese.

Five months ago, I was here….drinking their drip coffee, enjoying a signature cookie, and filing out my visa paperwork for China.

So much has happened in five months.

I’ve moved to a new country, started a new job, met new friends, moved into a new apartment, began learning a new language, taught new things, learned new things, and joined up with new ministries.

New. New. New. So much “new.”

It has been an eventful – and semi-overwhelming – five months to say the least. 

But it has been so good. Despite all the daily challenges, I love China. Although there were many times when I felt like I did not belong, in many more ways, I felt like I did. And I think it is because I knew deep down that China is where God has me for this season of my life….and there is so much joy in being exactly where He wants you.

Besides a little breakdown in both the Beijing and San Francisco airport, it was relatively easy to slip back into life here at first (Thank you so much for your pr*yers regarding that!). I did have a slight moment’s freak out when my mom asked me to pick up some ranch dressing in Walmart (never realized Walmart has a whole aisle just for salad dressing!)… But besides that, His grace has been very evident in my transition back to life here.

In fact, during my first few days at home, it seemed like not much had changed since I left. I drove my car to Starbucks. I went running on my usual route. I ate at our neighborhood Chik-Fil-A. And it seemed like none of it had changed. In many ways, I felt like I had returned from some “time-warped” journey. It was strange to transition from so much new to so much old in such a short period of time.

Nevertheless I am discovering – day by day – that there is still much “new” for me to become acquainted with here, too. (Like can someone please explain to me what on earth is a “subtweet”? And what exactly is this “Duck Dynasty” that everyone raves about? …and I won’t even try to explain to you what is like to have heard of none of the movies at Redbox…or songs on the radio… :)

But the biggest “new” for me to get adjusted to has not been found on the radio or in the grocery aisle – but with myself.

Yikes.

After a few weeks at home, I’m discovering that China has changed me in more ways than I realized.

Don’t worry – they aren’t big dramatic ways – but more subtle nuances prevalent within me.

For example, although I teach English, it has been a little difficult for me to slip back into speaking it (all the time…with no added Chinese “fun phrases”) – complete with the advanced vocabulary and cultural nuances typical of Americans. My American friends in China often joked that the longer you live there, the more you forget English, and after just five months, I’m finding this to be true. (totally switched up “proactive” and “provocative” yesterday….big difference between the two. :)

Thus, pathetic as it sounds, it has been a struggle for me to make small talk, too. Before leaving for China, I confess I thrived on making simple conversation with strangers.

But in China, I barely knew enough Chinese to order my coffee – let alone talk with the barista.

And then, in the span of a 12 hour flight home, everything changed. Suddenly, my barista at the airport is talking to me in English, commenting on the weather, and asking about my trip. (I’m pretty sure she thought I was a little slow because it took me like a whole 2 seconds to process and then answer each of her questions…)

Add to this the struggle to try to truthfully and yet - hastily - answer the prevalent question, “How was China?” …..and well, in my search to find the words to explain all that God has done in the past five months – in five seconds or less – language suddenly becomes inadequate.

And speaking of communication, I’m discovering that China has developed me into much more of an introvert than ever before. Don’t worry, I still absolutely love talking with and chatting with y’all, but yikes….after a while, my mind just goes on overload. Too much English. Too much stimulation. Too much communicative understanding.

I can actually read billboards now. I can comprehend television. I can understand the people talking behind me in line.

Talk about information overload.

 (In China, there was a lot of background noise, but I couldn’t understand any of it. On the subway, in a restaurant, even at my school….I could basically tune out everyone talking, because most of the time…..had absolutely no idea what they were saying. :)

All that to say, life has been a strange combination of old and new lately.

And trying to navigate the waters between the two has been…well….hen you isi (very interesting). It has led to frustration (both to me and those around me). It has been a cause for a need for repentance and much grace. It has been humbling. And - at times,- it has been just downright hilarious (definitely accidentally told a drive-thru window attendant thank you in Chinese the other day. :S).

Truthfully, I don’t believe this strange mash-up of cultures will be sorted out anytime soon. In a matter of mere weeks, I’ll return to China for another five months…and then return for a few weeks during the Chinese new year holiday. I’m sure my life will become even more confusing the more this cycle of school/home/school repeats.

Nevertheless, I know that He is good. He is Sovereign. And as He brings things (and me) full circle….I trust He will continue to give grace.